I Don't Even Know My Last Name

Last night Brian and I gave our NFP talk at the Engaged Encounter Retreat in Pittsburgh. Many of you who know me well enough know that I have a slight obsession with NFP. I love the subject, and I consider myself pretty well versed in using it. So, I have been dying to share this passion and knowledge on such an important topic for a while. However, somehow last night the nerves kicked into high gear. I may have actually been shaking when we started our introduction. But in the end, I have to say that it went very, very well. Better than we both could have hoped for.

We arrived while the couples were having dinner and that was great because it gave us time for a little prayer time in the chapel, which was desperately needed. The weekend was a small one, with only 10 couples attending. I think that made it easier in some ways and harder in others. The couples who were there seemed to really be taking things seriously and trying to get something out of the weekend. It was certainly easier to get to know something about all of them since there weren't that many in attendance. But when it came time to actually give our talk, having that few people all focused on us was a bit intimidating. And that's from someone who LOVES being the center of attention. As an only child, I quite enjoy and am used to having all eyes on me, but this was way different.

Our talk, however, went really well. The couples all listened attentively, and I didn't even catch one eye roll from anyone! That's got to be a first during a talk on NFP. I think what made it so successful was the fact that we made our talk really personal. We talked about how NFP has worked in our marriage and what a great blessing it has been to us. We also were brutally honest and said that sometimes it's just plain hard and really stinks. I think the couples appreciated that view of it the most. We didn't just stand up there and sing the praises of NFP....we talked about the reality of it. And let's face it. Sometimes that reality of abstinence is super hard!

Once our talk was over, we were invited by the hosting couple to stay for the Discussion Group. During the Discussion Group, everyone sits in a circle and drinks a glass of wine while pulling questions that the couples have written over the weekend from the Question Box. Once the question is read, it's fair game for anyone to answer. Questions last night ranged from how to compromise to who balances the check book. It was great to get to participate in those discussions and offer our perspective as a married couple.

One of the questions that came up in the Discussion Group was whether or not to change your last name. Some women said they were considering not doing so because they were older and had written publications or created art work in their maiden names. One woman blatantly just said she wasn't going to change her name because she was the last of seven girls to get married and wanted to keep her father's name. I have to say that I was shocked to even hear the discussion occurring!

For me, I couldn't drop my maiden name fast enough. I came back from my honeymoon and actually left work early the first day back so that I could visit the Social Security Office and apply to have my name changed. Within a week, my maiden name had been completely erased. And I was glad to see it go.

It wasn't just the fact that I was finally getting a royal title as a last name (I had considered myself a Princess for years at that point! ;)), but I truly felt that in the two becoming one, part of that was changing my last name and taking on my husband's. I felt that if I didn't change my last name, it would be a huge slap in the face to Brian although he had never expressed such feelings. I just envisioned keeping my maiden name as ultra feminist (and I am the furthest thing from a feminist. Yes, I enjoy equal pay and the right to vote, but I never bargained for being able to stay at home with  my children being so difficult to do financially! Seriously, things have gotten out of hand with that movement!). I would never disrespect Brian by not taking his last name. I saw it as a very loving and trusting gesture on my part. And I'm pretty sure he saw it the same way.

Maybe it's just that Brian and I are pretty traditional in many ways. I always felt he should lead our family and be the head. He should be the bread winner. And although there are many times when we both are in control together, for the most part, I try very hard to take a back seat and let him lead us where we need to go. (I'm sure he'd laugh at that since giving up control is not my best character trait!) But seriously, part of having a traditional marriage meant giving up my last name.

I understand every woman is different, but it never crossed my mind that women actually debate changing their last name after marriage. For me it was so natural. So last night was a bit eye opening in that way. I am so proud to have Brian's last name, and quite honestly, I am honored that he chose me to share it with. Being a Prince is pretty darn cool.