The Cross of NFP

Disclaimer: This post is not directed at anyone or meant to offend anyone. Some things have happened over the past week that have left me a bit bummed out about postponing another baby, and as I prayed about it on the treadmill today, these thoughts came to mind. 

I read a blog entry a few weeks ago during NFP Awareness Week called "NFP Sucks." And, yes, on some days it does really stink, but this is not what this post is about. No, I don't believe NFP truly stinks (my mother taught me to never use the word sucks, and I will be darned if I start using it now.) I do believe it to be a beautiful thing that, when practiced correctly, can lead to many blessings for a marriage. However, sometimes having to use NFP for a period of time can really be a cross.

I will start out by saying how bothered I get when it is clear Brian and I are being judged outright for using NFP right now. I'm not about to go through our reasons for postponing our next child (they really are no one's business but ours and God's and sometimes Father Jim's when I seek his counsel in confession.) But we do have some concerning and legitimate reasons for postponing. Sometimes when other Catholics find out we are postponing, they look at us like we are crazy. And the judgement begins.

From the outside looking in, what more could we need? We went on vacation, we go on date nights, we do fun things as a family. Money can't be that tight. We seem to be super happy. There can't be an emotional reason, can there? Unless they can look into our souls, they will never truly know the legitimate (the correct translation of the word grave in Italian) reasons we have chosen to postpone our next baby.

There's a line of thinking from some Catholics who don't support the use of NFP to postpone babies in any situation in modern countries. They themselves have chosen to just "trust God" and let Him decide the size of their family. And that's beautiful and wonderful. (really it is! I admire those with large families very much. I meant that in all sincerity. It's when the judging starts that I get uneasy.) NFP is recognized by the Church as a legitimate (yep, I am totally going to kill that word today) form of family planning. Those who choose not to use NFP are no better than Brian and I. They aren't somehow holier or closer to getting to Heaven than we are. I applaud them for being able to and willing to just let God decide their family size. That's cool. But what we are doing in our marriage as parents is pretty cool, too. We are trying to plan our family based on our circumstances and personal spiritual life. The cool thing about NFP is that it allows us to remain open to life during every marital act. So this idea that those of us who use NFP are not open to life is just not correct.

But my biggest issue that I think often times is overlooked by those who don't support using NFP is the fact that needing to use NFP can be a HUGE cross. Those who have large families sometimes see the sacrifices they have to make in order to support those large families as crosses. Well, having to have a smaller family at a slower rate than what you intended can also be a cross.

Here's the thing. I LOVE babies. (Well, once they get to be about five months old and sleep trained and nursing less, I LOVE babies. For the first five months, I go into survival, "Oh my gosh. Brian, don't touch me. I'm never doing this again" mode.) Brian also LOVES babies. I'm pretty sure he likes parenthood more than I do! We long to give our children a house full of siblings because I was an only child and he was one of two and we both see how lonely that is as adults. We want to procreate and fill the world with little, life loving Catholics to combat the Culture of Death. We believe part of marriage is bringing children into this world if you are able to physically do so. We would both love nothing more than to delete the NFP app tonight and let things happen as they may. But right now, we just can't.

And that's hard. Really, really hard. It is a cross to want so badly to bring another life into this world, but to also know at the same time, that now is just not the time and God is just asking you to wait a little longer. It is a cross to constantly be surrounded by pregnant women and know that the time for you to have that baby belly again is at least a year, if not more, away. It is a cross when every month for two days all you do is think about babies and welcoming new life into the world only to be told by your NFP app that now is not the time for such thoughts! It is a cross to worry and wonder each month if when the time comes to delete the NFP app from your iphone if your body's fertility will still be working. And let's face it. Not being able to be intimate in a marriage when you really, really want to can certainly be a cross. Oh that reminds me...when you plan your 5 year anniversary weekend getaway a year in advance and suddenly realize that it's not really during the best time of your cycle, NFP is an even bigger cross! It's hard! Using NFP at times definitely means sacrificing what you want for the betterment of your family, spouse, marriage, health, etc, etc.

I totally get that we are all called to carry crosses with Christ and to sacrifice for Him and with Him. I just find it funny that many overlook what a HUGE cross using NFP can be. It's heavy some days, and sometimes, I just want to throw it away. But Christ didn't do that with His cross, and we won't with this cross either. But wouldn't it be great if those of us who have legitimate reasons to use NFP and those of us who choose not to use it could just smile and get along? Wouldn't it be awesome if we could both recognize in each other the sacrifices and crosses in our lives without getting all judgemental? Maybe both sides of the issue could support each other in striving to live out God's Will for their own marriages. Neither side is better than the other. And using NFP and not using NFP can be filled with sacrifices and crosses.

For now, I will end by saying that I am thankful for the gift and cross of NFP. Our marriage and life would not be the same without it. The blessings from it far outnumber the crosses most days. If you are curious as to what NFP is and how to use it, please message me. I have lots of great information. Lots. :) God bless and happy charting!

Two of our three biggest blessings to come from using NFP. :)