National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today, October 15, is recognized nationally as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This day is very near and dear to my heart, as most of you can imagine. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I also know a lot of other Mommas who hold this day near to their hearts as well. So in honor of this day, I thought I'd give a few tips (who doesn't love unsolicited advice?) about what you can do to reach out and help someone who has suffered the devastating loss of a baby.

1. Don't pretend like the loss didn't happen.
Okay, so it can be really nerve wracking and awkward when you see someone for the first time after they have just lost a baby. A lot of people go right into the "I'll just pretend like nothing happened" mode. While I totally understand the reasoning why many people do that, it hurts more than you can ever imagine. The fact is that a baby died. That person's child passed away. They are hurting and grieving and trying to move on with life and find some sense of normalcy. Sure they may have come back to work or the gym or shown up at a play date with their living children, but that doesn't mean they aren't thinking about and hurting about the loss of their baby all day long. So don't just pretend like everything is normal. Reach out. A simple, "I am so sorry for your loss," does wonders. Trust me.

2. Do offer your help.
Ask the person if they need anything. Perhaps a meal would be great since getting off the couch to make dinner is almost impossible during the initial grieving process. Or offer to provide childcare if they have other children. Offer to run some errands for them or even with them. Offer to clean. Whatever you can think of to do, offer. It means the world to have people want to help, and it leaves the person who has experienced the loss feeling less alone.


3. Don't shut out the ones who have experienced the loss.
Who cares if the ones who have experienced the loss are extremely sad or just Debbie Downers for a while. Invite them to gatherings with others. Invite them out to do fun things. And after you invite, keep on them to make sure they show up. It is so easy when you lose a baby to lock yourself away from the outside world (I'm pretty sure Brian decided that we should watch an entire marathon of America's Next Top Model instead of go to a college basketball game). Don't let your friends do that. And don't shut them out. Keep including them just like before the loss. They will be happy again, and the happiness may even return sooner if you keep including them in normal, fun social events.

4. Do remember their baby and ask about their baby.
Ask if they named the baby. Talk about the baby whenever you feel it appropriate. Don't worry if you make someone cry. Sometimes that happens. But I can assure you that the person crying is also jumping for joy that you remembered their little one who is gone too soon. Take note of the baby's death date and birth date/due date. Send a text or facebook message on those days. It doesn't have to be profound. A simple, "I'm praying for you and (enter baby's name here) today. Let me know if you need anything."

Also, help brainstorm ways that they can memorialize their baby. Suggestions like getting a ring with the baby's birth stone, or finding a memorial wall where they can place a brick for their baby are great. Other things include donating to a charity in the baby's name or even starting a charity in remembrance of the baby lost. 

5. Don't try to minimize the loss.
Don't say things like, "Well, at least you lost them before you got to know them or hold them." Don't say, "At least the baby didn't suffer." Recognize the loss. A baby is a baby is a baby. Losing one at any point is devastating. If you aren't sure what the right thing to say is, a simple, "Sorry for your loss," is always best. Those words may seem so overused, but they are meaningful and let the person know that you recognize that their baby was a person and that a great loss has occured.


6. Do be patient and sensitive.
Allow the person to work through the grieving process in their own time. There is no time table for grief. In fact, some days I still cry about Abby. Allow time to heal some wounds. Offer words of support and encouragement (cards are great for this) and sit back and wait. Let your friend know you will be there at the end of it all and when they decide they are ready to talk to you or need you. Listen to your friend cry over and over and over again if that is what is necessary. Just let time take it's course and be supportive. Trust me. The person knows you are on their side and it brings them great comfort to know you will still be their friend when the sadness eases. Plus, everyone grieves differently. Patience takes the pressure off of the person to feel like their time to grieve is up at a specific point. It allows them to do the grieving process their way.

7. Even if you say nothing at all, please pray.
Sometimes you still just don't know what to say to someone who has lost a baby. That's okay. And it's normal. However, you can storm Heaven with prayers for the person's comfort and for their baby. Prayers were what got Brian and I through the loss of Abby without totally losing our marriage or our minds in the process. They held us together. We were blessed to have so many people praying for us, and those prayers made all the difference. They still do today. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Sometimes a simple Hail Mary is better than any words that can be spoken. Prayers do wonders.


8. Some Books that are Helpful (You may want to purchase one for the person and send it to them.)
Life Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn (I'm not sure a huge fan usually, but this book talks about the losses of several of her babies and gives great advice for helping people grieve.)
Letters to Gabriel by Karen Santorum (Karen writes letters to her unborn son, Gabriel, until the day he is still born, and for the weeks following. It is a beautiful expression of love and anyone who has lost a baby can definitely relate.)
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but We had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert (This book is great for explaining to little kids what has happened when a baby is lost. It is also very healing for parents.)

I am in no way an expert about pregnancy and infant loss, but I have survived it. It was a very dark time in my life, and every year on this day, I look back at just how far I have come. Lots of people stepped up to the plate to help me come through losing Abby. Lots of people are still there for me today. And the more women I meet, the more I find others who have walked in my shoes. It still breaks my heart when I hear from a friend that she has recently suffered the loss of a baby. I hate it. It is a common occurrence and happens more often than we realize. I am forever thankful for each and every friend (new and old) in my life. In their own special ways, they have all been there to help me through losing Abby, both when it initially happened and still today. It means the world. So thank you to all of you. I would not be where I am in rebuilding my new normal without you all.

So why the post today? I always want good to come out of us losing Abby. I never want her death to be in vain. One good thing that has come out of losing her has been a deeper understanding of suffering and why we are called to do so. But more good can still come from her death. I hope the things mentioned above may be used to help others who have felt a loss like mine.

On that note, please consider lighting a candle at 7pm tonight and burning it for one hour. It creates an international wave of light, so as one time zone blows out their candles, the next time zone is lighting theirs. The wave of light is a way to honor our babies lost and to bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss.

And one last thing, this post is dedicated in loving memory of all the babies lost too soon, but especially in memory of Abby and her cousin, Jack. I know they are watching over us all in Heaven, and that thought, most days, makes me smile. We love you, guys. :)