Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

Today, you would have turned 4 years old. Wow. I cannot believe how fast time as flown by. The world has kept turning, despite all of the times I wished it would have just stopped because you were no longer with us. Our family has continued to grow, and our lives have seen lots of changes since you were last on this Earth. But today, on your birthday, I needed to take a time out and write down my heart for you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Sometimes I am reminded of you when I drop Matthew off at preschool and see all of the little girls running through the door with fun dresses. Sometimes I think of you when I see a new baby being baptized. Sometimes I think of you when a certain song comes on the radio. And sometimes, Abby, I think of you for no reason at all, other than that you are and always will be my baby, and I spend most of each day thinking about all of my children.

I miss you so much sometimes I still cry. (In fact, Mommy pretty much lost it at the Rascal Flatts' concert when The Band Perry performed, If I Die Young. I think I was the only person sitting at a rocking concert and just crying a river.) Many days I don't understand why you are not here. I can say that I understand suffering and what it means to carry your cross in a way I never imagined possible. But that still doesn't take away the pain of missing you.

I wonder often what you would look like. Would you have blonde hair and blue eyes like your brothers? Would you be a Tom Boy or a girly girl with Barbies? What would your little personality be like? Who would you be?

I will never forget the day Daddy and I found out that you were on your way. It was late at night on the day of the March for Life, and I just decided to take a home pregnancy test because I didn't feel right. And it was positive. Daddy and I were so super excited. We stayed up into the wee hours of the morning just talking about you and how wonderful it was to be blessed with a new life. We were both walking on Cloud Nine at work the next day for sure.

I remember the 11 days I got to carry you inside of me. I remember talking to you on my long drives to and from work. I remember how protectively I would place my hand on my tummy when I wanted to say "hi" to you. I remember how deeply in love with you I fell so quickly. I loved carrying you inside of me. I had a buddy wherever I went. I remember how Daddy and I discussed how much we loved the name Abigail (we were on a West Wing watching spree and the first lady was named Abigail) for a girl....and apparently, that stuck!

I will also never forget the day we lost you. (And let's talk about the word lost. Why do we call it losing a baby? You are not lost. You died and went to Heaven. I didn't just lose you at the mall play place and am simply wandering trying to find you four years later.) The Steelers were in the Super Bowl, and it was supposed to be an amazing day, but things started to go wrong for you. I remember crying in the kitchen during our Super Bowl party, and just talking to you and telling you to "be strong," and "hold on." I remember having an overwhelming sense that you were in fact a girl and calling you "Abigail." I remember wanting to do anything at all to stop what was going on in my body. I wanted to protect you.

And Mommy is sorry, Abby. I am sorry I could not protect you. I am sorry that I could not stop what was happening. Please know that I did everything possible to save your life. But in the end, God is the one in control and what He giveth, He also taketh away. Every day I wonder what I could have done differently. And when the answer is nothing, it drives me crazy. I wish I could have done something differently. I really do. I would have done anything for you, little girl, anything.

I wish more than anything that I could have held you in my arms. I wish I could've seen your sweet face and tiny toes and fingers. I wish I could have hugged you just once. I wish I could've given you a proper burial. I wish so many things were different.

I remember how much pain Daddy and I felt when we got the confirmation that you had died. I remember how the doctor shrugged her shoulders and then brushed it all off as if your life was not important. I remember crying, crying, and crying. I remember to this day how much it hurt to have your life torn from us.

But Mommy has worked through some things in the past several years. I've let go of a lot of the hurt and anger and questions. I look back and just simply love you like I do Matthew and Noah. Now, four years later, I simply look back at the six precious weeks we had together and am so thankful. I am so thankful I got the honor of loving you and carrying you for that time. I am so thankful you came into our lives. With you, I started my journey into motherhood and with your brothers, I carry on in that journey.

Abby, I know you are in Heaven. I know you and (I pray) Grandma Kay are having a ball up there. I know you are praying for our whole family. I know you are watching over your little brothers because, let's face it, we've had some close calls and you've been there to protect them when Mommy couldn't. I feel you with me each day of my life. In my heart, I can sometimes feel you hugging me. Please don't ever stop praying for us. You motivate me each day to live the best life I possibly can so that when my time comes, I can get to Heaven to meet you as soon as possible. You are our own Guardian Angel.

I love you, Abby. I have since January 22, 2009, when the pregnancy test turned positive, and I have never stopped. You will never, ever be forgotten. Your entire family will always remember you and love you. We know you are always with us. Rest in peace, my baby, rest in peace.

Love Always,
Mommy

Dedicated in Loving Memory of Abigail Grace who would have turned four today, September 28.

DIY: Preschool Snacks

Since Matthew started preschool, I have felt all kinds of crafty again! :) I used to be very into crafts when I was younger, but lost touch with the crafting world through high school, college, and the early years of  young adult life. Now, however, I'm back at it, and I'm loving every second! Matthew's first turn to bring snack to school is tomorrow, so I knew we had to do something fun when he announced that he wanted to bring grapes. I found this idea online, but I added a few personal touches, and I think I executed it really well. Enjoy!

Butterfly Grapes

 First, gather all of your supplies. You will need snack baggies, pipe cleaners, googly eyes, clothes pins (we chose multicolored clothes pins to make it more fun), and a hot glue gun. And of course, you need grapes. I found every thing at the Dollar Store, except the grapes and glue gun. The glue gun cost a mere $3 at Walmart, and I have a feeling I will be using it a lot more this year!

Next, you want to measure and cut apart the pipe cleaners and then fold them into antennas for the butterflies. There are only nine students in Matthew's class, so we didn't need too many. You could even get fancy and make the antennas swirly, but we kept it simple this time around.

After you have twisted all the antennas, it's time to glue them to the clothes pins. The hot glue worked really well to do this, and I would NOT recommend using craft glue. It takes too long to set and I'm pretty sure our antennas would have fallen off instantly without the heat of the hot glue.

Add on the googly eyes with the hot glue once all of the antennas are in place. Hot glue dries very quickly, so we didn't have to wait long before we could add the eyes. Some of our eyes we even glued on top of the antennas. I liked the look better that way.

Finally, you fill the snack baggies with grapes. (We put 16 in each baggie. Even numbers are easier to split.) Then, divide the grapes into the two sides of the bag and pinch it closed in the middle with the clothes pin. And magically you have Butterfly Grapes!

This project was easy, cheap, and fun. Matthew even got to help out a bit, and I really had a good time with that. I am already lining up ideas for Halloween and Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to more DIY crafting projects in the future! :)

Modest is Hottest?

Note: I am well aware of the Church's teaching on modest dress. I do not disagree with it in any way, shape, or form. I do, however, believe that it can be taken to extremes. This post expresses those beliefs.

Since getting my body back into shape, most of my clothes are a bit too big. I finally got some jeans that fit (but even those will need to be smaller soon. Nothing is more unattractive than baggy jeans.) I have been slowly replacing pieces of my wardrobe as I see things that are on sale or that I like. I mean, we're not making millions so I can't just afford to run and out buy a magnificent wardrobe every time I lose weight. So I'm trying to wait it out a bit.

But our five year anniversary is coming up in less than a month. And with that anniversary comes our getaway! Yay! One of the reasons I started letting Christi kick my butt way back in the beginning of June is because I wanted to buy an amazing dress for our anniversary. I want to look super good when we go out for our nice dinner to celebrate five wonderful years of marriage. I want to feel good about myself, and I pretty much want to knock Brian's socks off.

So, I've been looking for dresses online just to see what's out there. I will probably actually purchase one in person (because I can't buy a dress online. No telling how certain areas will fit) in about two weeks or so. And of course, whenever shopping for any item of clothing anymore, the question of modesty always pops into the back of my mind. What is okay to show? What's not okay to show? Does this dress cross the line? Is it too short? Too tight? It's maddening!

When Brian and I were dating, I feel I dressed way more modestly than I do now. We weren't married, and there were just certain things that should be kept a secret at that point. I certainly did not wear a habit, but I made it a point to make sure I pretty much dressed like the infamous Sister Wives of TLC do on a daily basis.

These days, I do things a little differently....at least on date nights when Brian and I get out without the kids in tow. On those nights, I want to look a little extra special for him. He comes home to find me in jeans and a tshirt or sweatshirt and doesn't see me looking that put together that often anymore. (Side note: I take great pride in putting on make up and straightening my hair every morning, so it's not like I look like I just rolled out of bed. I'm just dressing way more casually on a daily basis than I did when I taught every day.) I want to take the time out to make myself look extra nice and to make him interested. We get so caught up in being Mom and Dad every day that sometimes we forget what it means to be husband and wife.

I don't feel I dress immodestly, but I tend to leave a little less to the imagination on date nights. Brian and I are married now after all! I always try to keep it classy and not trashy, and Brian has always said that if he found something I was wearing immodest, he'd let me know. And I fully believe he would say something, even it meant sleeping on the couch that night. ;) But I honestly think that with your husband, different rules apply for modesty than if you're going out with just the girls.

I have looked at a few dresses that have long sleeves and cover from my knees to my neck. (Our anniversary is in October, and we are going to be lakeside so it could be chilly) But I know Brian's not into that. And it's really not my style either. I want to show off some of my hard work from the gym this summer. Does that mean I have to dress like a street walker to accomplish that? Absolutely not. But I do believe there's a point at which one can be too modest and too worried about making sure absolutely nothing is showing. 

That point of view is great and well and good in dating. (And trust me, if we are ever blessed with daughters, there will be strict rules about what is appropriate and what isn't.) But sometimes I think it's okay to dress to show yourself off when you're going out with just your husband. It's good to get him interested. It's good for him to think you're amazing and beautiful. It's wonderful for him to look at you as the woman he fell in love with and not just a tired, worn out Mommy (which is how I feel I look at the end of most days.) It's good to feel like you look amazing. Those things are all okay. We are certainly not called to hide away our bodies. (Nor are we called to let it all hang out!)

I'm not writing this because I think the world is too modest. Oh my, no. The world is way too far in the opposite direction. But sometimes as a wife, I need to make sure I'm not going too far the other way. There has to be a happy medium. I hope to find that when shopping for a dress in the next few weeks. In the end, as long as it turns Brian's head, that's all that matter. And it's a good thing if the dress I finally decide on for our anniversary leaves him speechless, too.

Seven Quick Takes

1. My Dream House

A while ago, we put an offer in on a house, had our offer accepted (with no counter from the seller), and then pulled our offer when the inspection on the house showed some major issues that we just didn't want to deal with in the long run. But I really don't think that was the house for us anyways. It was a bit too far from my parents' house, quite honestly (okay, so it was about 15 minutes instead of 5), but still, not in walking distance, so that had me a bit nervous. Since then, Brian and I have agreed that our number one area to find a house in is where my parents live now. We were looking around a few weeks ago, and my dream house popped up. It's on a flat street and is HUGE. It has five bedrooms, two baths...a typical big, old suburbs of Pittsburgh house. And it's cheap. Like dirt cheap.Why so cheap? Well, in the kitchen needs an updated floor and in the pictures, the beautiful finished attic clearly has signs of past water damage. Oh, and there's those holes in the dry wall. Minor really. (As Brian looks at me like I'm crazy.) But I love it. It has so much charm and potential. And it's big. It could hold a lot of kids. (Or stuff since after this lovely afternoon, I am done forever with having little ones around.) We were getting ready to send an email about going to see it when suddenly, the website showed it as contingent. :( I am not happy, and I dream of this house. But God has a plan...

2. Speaking of dreams....

This is totally random, but I slept soundly (meaning uninterrupted) for four whole hours last night. This has got to be a record. During that time, I had one very vivid dream. Was it about the house I love? Or future children? Or my dear grandparents who have since left this life? No, no, no. My dream was, of course, about the reality show, Million Dollar Listing, which Brian and I had just watched before turning in for the night. All the main realtors were in this dream, and they were all trying to get deals done...in my living room. It was a fun dream, and it was nice because we were all friends. But, oh how strange! When you wake up from dreams like that, you really start to think you are completely losing your mind. Totally random, but I had to share.

The guy on the far right, Josh Altman, is totally my dream realtor. He knows how to make a deal better than anyone else.

3. Want to Laugh?

Then click here. This is a voicemail of someone describing an accident scene that he just happens to witness. The accident, thank goodness, is not very serious, but his description will leave you laughing very, very hard. It's totally worth three minutes of your time.

4.

 

This is totally Pittsburgh. But this also happens to be my FAVORITE merge in the city. This is the only place you can drive aggressively and get away with it. The problems come when people don't know what they are doing and therefore come to a dead stop on the bridge. Um, way to cause an accident! Anyways, whenever I am feeling a bit frustrated, I know I can always take this way home and get some aggressions out. It's great. No, really, it is.

5. Big Brother Finale

The Big Brother Finale was on Wednesday of this past week. It was awesome! I LOVED every second,  especially the part where Dr. Will (one of the two greatest players to ever play the game) returned. Great times. I am a bit bummed that GinaMarie didn't take home the grand prize after she made the BIGGEST move of the entire season, but Andy did play quite the social game and did it well without really getting personal. It was fun to come home from lots of tutoring to watch on Wednesday night. Brian and I love that show and since it airs three nights a week, we are not sure what we will do with all the extra time on our hands...not to worry, though. Nashville and Grey's Anatomy both premiere this week! Whew! That was close!

6. What Happens When Mommy Goes to Clean Upstairs for 15 Minutes...

Me: How did Noah get in there?
Matthew: Well, I helped him!

As one of my friends said, It could be worse. At least they were laughing and not crying and actually, not destroying anything. With all the billions of toys they have, I should've known the bins would be their favorite thing.

7. The Hillbilly Way

Brian and I decided this week that we are going to head out to see them play the night before Thanksgiving at Saddleridge, so that had me listening to all of their music when I drove to tutoring this week. Never heard of them? You have no idea what you are missing! They are totally awesome and their live shows are some of the best.  Check them out here! The lead singer, Abby, is just totally amazing. Love him. (In fact, I will never forget when the original band, the Povertyneck Hillbillies, performed at Franciscan and Abby did the Hillbilly Shake and since then, no secular band has ever been invited back. I, however, chose to master the Hillbilly Shake! See, I have left the bubble!)

My two favorite Hillbillies, Abby and Junior. :)

Have a fantastic weekend!

Five Faves: Why I Love Tutoring

For a while now, I haven't been a big fan of running my own business. It takes an incredible amount of time and energy, and I end up missing out on social activities (either with other moms or just within my own family) most nights because my work times are at the same time as other events. But at the end of the day, I really do love what I do. Sure, I miss the classroom a lot, but I know one day I'll be back in it for a while before becoming a principal, and eventually a professor and superintendent. Until then, it's nice to have a job I love doing. So, here are my five favorite things about tutoring.

1. It allows me to work while staying home with my boys at the same time.

In the words of Hannah Montana (Yes, I own the movie and might have taken Brian with me to see it in theaters when it came out), "You get the best of both worlds." I get to take care of my boys all day long and don't miss a minute of their milestones. Staying home also means I get the honor and pleasure of taking the boys to daily Mass almost every morning. Then in the evenings I can still use my degree and skills to work in the field I love.

2. I get a break from being a mom every evening.

Sure, I'm working. But I'm not filling sippy cups, breaking up arguments, or running around like a chicken with my head chopped off to try and keep two energetic boys happy and entertained. I get to have normal conversations in a very relaxed and quiet atmosphere (I sometimes love when kids are late. The library is so lovely to just sit in and enjoy). I don't have to worry about baths and bedtime routines. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and miss them when I work, but I enjoy the break back to the real world each evening, too.

3. I make money....and a good amount of money at that!

Obviously, no one works out of the goodness of their heart. While I do love tutoring, I definitely do it because we need the money at this point in our lives. And let's face it. Tutors are paid well. Very well. So, if I play  my cards right and schedule enough kids each week, I am able to help make ends meet, save for a house, and still have some money left over to have fun with. Recently, we've been putting some of our extra money toward our five year anniversary getaway in October. It's nice to know that we won't be taking on debt to enjoy ourselves that weekend. 

4. I get to work with kids of all ages.

When you're a teacher, you pretty much see the same age of kids all day long. I had seventh graders my first year and fifth graders for the two years after that. That's great, but I have a lot of fun when I go out in the evenings and get to interact with a variety of age ranges. For instance, tomorrow night, I will begin by tutoring a second grader, then see an eighth grader, and finish the night by visiting two juniors in high school. It's a nice variety, and I really enjoy that. Seeing four different students in one night requires a lot of prep in advance, but it also makes the nights go very quickly because of all the different material I'm covering.

5. There is no better feeling than to hear a student say, "I get it," in regards to a mathematical concept.

Math is hard for some people. And although I found different levels of math challenging, I loved every second of math class. I love the concepts, and I absolutely love a good word problem. Most students that I tutor have some issue in math. Many come to me in the beginning of the year with a severe lack of confidence in math. There must be a lot of mean math teachers out there because some of these kids truly believe that they will never get math or understand it. By the end of the year, those same students are correcting me when I accidentally make a mistake in a problem. They are easily solving problems and acing tests. Just last night, when a student did a math problem right, I cheered. I love when it finally clicks in a student's head that they can do math and that they are actually pretty good at it. I get so proud of my students when that happens. That's my whole goal when I tutor. And seeing kids at that point is the greatest reward of all.

Being Catholic in the Real World

I like tell people that I spent five years in the glorious bubble known as Franciscan University of Steubenville. (4 as an undergrad at main campus with one semester at the mini campus in Austria, and one when Brian and I were dating/engaged as he played the role of assistant mens's basketball coach.) It was a great, Catholic environment up on its own little hill. And it was wonderful there. Everywhere you turned people were calling you on to live the faith. Everything was Catholic. You didn't have to think much about defending your faith because that wasn't necessary. Every class (yes, even my mathematics courses) had Catholic undertones. It was really pretty cool, and whenever I make a student loan payment each month I feel great peace knowing that it was worth every penny (most of which were shelled out by parents) to attend there. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. (Including going back in time and taking the free ride I was offered at a different college.) Nope. The debt from Franciscan is good debt for sure.

For five years now, I have been living the faith full time in the real world. I have broken out of the Catholic bubble, and oh does it feel good! I've always had a very Opus Dei mindset about the faith. I know we are called to live our faith deeply and truly, but I honestly feel called to live it out most in the day to day operations of my life. When Brian and I were dating this is one thing we both very much agreed on from the start. Although he had been in the seminary for a good period of his young adult life and I had spent most of mine living in my favorite bubble (I mean that as a good thing. The bubble allowed me to grow in my faith in ways other campuses and schools would not have allowed at the time for me.), we both felt called to live out the faith in our lives in the real world with our children.

So what does that look like? Does that mean we check the faith at the door each time we leave the house? Do we compromise the Church's teachings or beliefs? Do we not defend the Church when she needs it? No, no, no, and no. Living the faith in the world means the faith comes with us EVERYWHERE. We don't turn our home into a little Catholic bubble and just stay there. We come back to our little bubble to refresh and recharge and then venture out with the faith in our hands into the world every day. (I may add that I am a member of a Catholic Moms' Group, and that, too, is a wonderful, much needed bubble where one can go to recharge!)

We don't shut out the world. We listen to modern music (I'm a big fan of Britney Spears' Womanizer right now to run to. I know it's only like 4 years old. I'm catching up!) We go to concerts when we can. We watch modern day television shows (I am counting down until Grey's Anatomy premieres!) We read modern literature. (Mary Higgins Clark, anyone?)  We take advice from sources that aren't always Catholic. (Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl Solutions has changed the way I eat and think about food. Dr. Laura Schlessinger's The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage has changed my entire view of how to be a good wife to Brian.) We enjoy what the world has to offer. (Now, clearly we don't indulge in the evils the world has to offer, but we enjoy what is good about the world.) All the while, we don't lose our Catholic faith or identity.

My faith comes with me when I tutor. When I'm particularly frustrated that a student hasn't done a homework assignment since the last time I saw them, I try to take deep breaths and remember to see them as God sees them. Brian takes his faith to work with him, too. How can you serve adults with intellectual disabilities without the faith? I take the faith to the gym. (There are some awesome Rosary apps out there, btw.) Matthew takes the faith with him into school, and I pray that continues for the rest of his school career. We take the faith with us to concerts. And we bring our Catholic ideas and ideas about our faith to whatever we happen to be reading and apply them there.

In a way, everyone lives the faith in the real world. We certainly know lots of modern, Catholic families striving to do the same thing we are. But there are those bubbles throughout the world where Catholics just associate with other Catholics. Franciscan is the biggest one, but at that time in young adult lives, I think it's needed. And some people are called to always live within the bubble. But our family is clearly not called to do that. We embrace this modern world and take it on on a daily basis. And when we need a little break and refreshing, we come back home to our mini bubble and gear up to take on the world all over again. Now, after five years, breaking out of the bubble is finally starting to feel normal and good. And I wouldn't trade this living in the real world thing for anything either. :)

Seven Quick Takes: The Fall Edition

I know I'm a day late. Yesterday was just a no good, really hard, really sad day. So I'm making up for it now with my belated Seven Quick Takes about my favorite time of year, Fall.

1. Matthew had a Build 'n Grow Clinic at Lowes today. If you haven't done one of these, you are missing out. They are completely FREE! Matthew has been participating since March and has built about two dozen projects. The best part is that while Matthew and Daddy build, Mommy and Noah get set loose in Lowes. Oh and today was just so wonderful there. We found a new door mat, Mums on sale, a hay bale, and a corn stalk! Time for some fall decorating of our front yard! I'm not done yet....I have a few more DIY touches to add, but I am just in love with the outside of our house. It is too cute!

2. Dunkin Donuts has pumpkin muffins and pumpkin lattes and while just today my size 6 jeans started to fall off when I stand up (I hear size 4's and a shopping trip calling my name!), I worked extra hard at the gym all week so that I can go and enjoy a pumpkin muffin after Mass tomorrow. Yum, yum, and more yum! :) Ssshhhh. Don't tell Christi!

3. The weather here the past two days has been gorgeous! In the low 60's and sunny. Perfect hoodie and jeans weather. And I love my hoodies. I have missed them so much since the beginning of May. My hardest decision getting dressed the past two days has been which college I feel like supporting that day. Yesterday I chose my Alma Mater, today I chose Pitt and maybe I'll switch to Penn State before they kick off at 6. Some may call this a lazy look, but for Brian, it's his all time favorite look of mine. And if it makes him happy, all the better.

Brian's favorite look of mine...messy pony tail and all. Glad he likes it.

4. With fall comes FOOTBALL! I especially LOVE Friday Night Lights. Oh, heck I also love Saturdays full of college ball and Sundays full of the NFL. I love it all. It is the best sport ever invented. Last night, we headed over to see my old high school play a game at the local stadium. It was fun....we were an awesome football team when I was there. Not sure what's going on now, but hey, I'll just say we're rebuilding. :)

My boys enjoying the game. Love this pic!

5. Today Brian helped me do some Fall cleaning of the shed out back. I just love cleaning for Fall. It actually motivates me to make the house spic and span. It doesn't stay that way long, but it sure looks nice for a few minutes.

6. Also with Fall cleaning, comes major organizing from me. I LOVE bins. Bins are amazing little things that keep toys in one place and keep everything organized and together. They keep my living areas clutter free, and they actually make for very easy clean up. I used my Cartwheel at Target and got the bins on clearance, too, so I scored some major deals yesterday! And now my house is happy and organized. Evidence is below. :)

7. And here's one last photo that just screams FALL to me. Skinnygirl + football. Doesn't get much better than that!

 

Happy Weekend, everyone!

Five Faves: The Hubby Edition

I got to thinking today that my husband is pretty awesome. And I thought I'd share why. So here are my five favorite things about my hubby:

1. He is beyond patient and always is there to listen to me.

Yesterday, after a very long day at work and long evening with the kids, we were finally settled into our normal seats for the evening. Me on the couch and him in the recliner. Dance Moms was playing on the DVR and Leslie had just had the mother of all tantrums. And at that moment, I just felt like I had to unload every fear and worry and sadness that I was feeling at the current moment. Instead of rolling his eyes and brushing me off, Dance Moms got paused and Brian listened to me unload for a good half hour. And that's not out of the norm. I know I can always count on him whenever I need a friend or a shoulder to cry on.

2. He loves our kids to pieces and is an incredible, hands on Dad.

He is most happy playing with our boys and teaching them things. He LOVES spending time with them and cannot get to them fast enough once work is over for the day. He never even hesitates when I ask him to watch them solo because I need to work or just need some "me" time. He is more than happy to do his fair share and goes above and beyond. Seeing him with our kids is such a joy.

3. He loves me even though I'm not the life of the party.

I have a fairly melancholic personality. I tend to see the glass half empty most days, and although internally I usually feel some sort of being content, I'm not one to simply just run around smiling. In fact, super bubbly people usually annoy me. (If you are reading this and we are friends, clearly I do not consider you super bubbly. So no need to take offense. :) If we aren't friends and you feel you are super bubbly, I apologize, but in real life, I'd probably annoy you, too!) But Brian loves me anyway. He loves seeing me laugh and smile and enjoy life, too, but at the end of the day, he accepts me for the personality I have and doesn't wish me to be more outgoing or happier. He's okay with who I am and doesn't want me to be anything more.

4. He is holy and devout and strives daily to live his faith.

Brian calls me on to be a better Catholic. He takes the Church's teachings seriously and loves passing on those teachings to our children. We talk about the Church and faith openly in our house and enjoy discussing theological issues on our own level. And he prays. Lots. I don't where he finds the time, but he does. Every morning he tells the boys that he will, "pray for them" during the day. It is so wonderful to be married to such a strong man of God. His example calls me on to do better and pray more and become more faithful. We are both blessed to be able to put God at the center of marriage.

5. He works hard every single day to provide for our family.

Brian goes off to work every day so that the boys and I can stay home together. At one point he even worked two jobs so that we could make ends meet. And he doesn't complain about it. He works long hours most days, and then comes home and works some more being a husband and father. He is proud to be putting a roof over our heads and food on our table and feels that's his duty as the man of the house. His only regret is that he doesn't provide more for us. How amazing. 

I love my husband a lot, for many reasons. The above are just five of my favorites. I am beyond blessed that he chose me to share this journey of life with, and the boys and I am grateful to have him in our lives. I honestly don't know what we'd do without him. He's a pretty special guy, for sure. :)

Getting My PreBaby Body Back!

So, it feels like it has taken FOREVER this time around for me to get back to being even remotely close to my prepregnancy body. I even walked miles every day when I was pregnant with Noah and gained way less weight with him than I did with Matthew. After Matthew, the weight literally melted off. I was a size 2 by the time he was 9 months old (side note: I had never been a size 2 before in my entire life!). At that point, I joined a gym so that I could keep the weight off while weaning him. I became a gym addict (I started to love running) and was able to stay that size until Noah came into being when Matthew was 18 months old.

After Noah was born, I just assumed that the weight would melt off again. Ha! Not so, my friends, not so! I'm not sure if it was because he was a terrible nurser and I wasn't burning as many calories as I thought, or if my body was just way more stretched out than I had originally thought. I hit the gym the minute I got the go ahead at my six week postpartum check up. I started running miles every day and doing lifting exercises on the ab weight machines. I was frustrated. No matter what I did, I could not get back into my size 4 jeans. I wasn't looking to be a size 2 again (I honestly didn't carry that look well and Brian has said he was afraid I'd blow over), but a size 4 would be okay! Really, I'd take that. I was even counting calories again, and I hadn't had to do that so strictly since college. Nothing was making the weight budge. Nothing!

When Noah turned a year old this past May, and I was sucking myself in to get my size 8 jeans shut every morning, I knew I had to do something. I posted a frustrated statement on Facebook, and that's what got me in touch with my trainer, Christi. She had been teaching my kids in her Toddlerobics class each week since the fall (and since Matthew had decided he was going to marry her and became completely obsessed with bringing her flowers and gifts, we had been Facebook friends for a long while. We had even had a few play dates together.) But this was the first time she had every really offered to truly help me out at the gym and show me a workout that I could: 1. Accomplish, 2. Love to do, and 3. Make the weight come off! I was scared at first (Christ is amazingly fit, and I've seen her work out before. There was no way I could keep up with her. No way at all. Plus, I was scared to death of the free weight area of the gym, and I knew she'd take me back there.) But I was fed up with being chubby, so I took her up on her more than generous offer.

We met the first day at our gym, and she had designed a work out specifically based upon what I could do and where I was at in my fitness journey. (So she met me where I was. This gave me confidence and made me less nervous in what she was teaching me. I knew that if everything else failed, at least I knew how to run!)  She taught me about Circuit Workouts. Basically, a circuit consists of high intensity cardio, strength training, and ab training. So, I could still run my heart out on the treadmill (yay!) and get the rest of my body into shape, too. The circuits keep my body constantly burning calories throughout the day. So it's not like one little burst or calorie burn and then you're done for the day. This keeps working. Cool!

For the circuits she designed for me, I run hardcore on the treadmill for 3 minutes, do about 3 minutes of strength training, and repeat that process five times. At the end, I do about 15 minutes of ab floor work. I stay away from the machines because surprise! They weren't doing anything! In the evenings, I also do the Ab Challenge (I've talked about it on the blog before), and that was also Christi's idea. The workout is challenging and pushes me to my limit every single time, but I LOVE that feeling. If I leave the gym feeling like I could go run a marathon, I've done something wrong. If I wake up the next morning and don't hurt, I worry. Workouts should be intense. I want to feel like I'm doing something.

Christi's workout is AMAZING. I love doing it, and I am brave in the free weight area now. Some of the guys back in that area even know me now, and they respect my being back there because they have realized I know what I'm doing (or I can at least fake it ;)). I have also taught some of them how to share. It's a win-win for us all.

Here's the best part though....Christ's workout works! I have lost tons of inches from my waist. (I recently came to the conclusion that the scale is my worst enemy, so I avoid it. I know I'm losing inches because my clothes are falling off my hips.) My abs also look much more toned. I can totally see a lot more definition there. I recently just bought size 6 jeans, and my goal is to be in a size 4 by Christmas. I know with Christi's plan, I can do it.

Christi is available for training! She teaches classes through CCAC. In the summer, she also teaches a boot camp at South Park. But honestly, if you are looking to get into shape and lose inches and weight, you need to have her time one-on-one. And no need to fear her. She doesn't yell mean, insulting things at you while you are struggling to do a push up. She's full of honesty and encouragement. Love her. :) For more info on the personal training, you can click here. Or just message me, and I'll get you in touch with her.

Here are some before and after pictures of me.....Thank you, Christi, for making me feel skinny again! I could not have gotten back into shape without you and your expertise. You rock!

From the beginning of June 2013. My dear college roomie looks amazing! However, notice the baby bulge on me. Not attractive!

From the beginning of September 2013....what a difference a summer can make!

Seven Quick Takes

I couldn't let a Friday go by without putting in my two cents...

1. I'M MEETING RASCAL FLATTS TONIGHT! And I'm pretty darn excited about it. I hope I don't make a total moron out of myself. We will see. Why at 28 years old this still excites me, I will never know. But I am pumped. :)

2. Big Brother last night was AWESOME! Totally the best episode of the entire season. Amanda and Elissa left the Big Brother house. Finally! Seriously, I didn't like Ginamarie in the beginning, but after pulling off such a power move, she totally deserves the win the whole thing. I'm hoping her alliance doesn't turn on this week. We will see. It was nice to actually enjoy watching the show again. Okay, so Brian and I always get a kick out of it. But last night just took it back to old school Big Brother when Mike Boogie and Dr. Will used to play the game. It was a great reward to be able to come to it after a LONG night of tutoring.

3. I only got to the gym three days this past week and am feeling like a total slacker. I took a long walk yesterday and took another one today. Plus, I still do the ab challenge every night, but there's nothing like sweating it out at the gym. Oh, well. One rough week won't kill me. I'll get back into the swing next week. But I only realize how much I love working out on the days when I don't have the time/ability to do so. I guess it's good that I miss it since that means I actually like it.

4. Now that you're totally falling asleep, we can just skip to the next one.

5. Matthew finished his first week of preschool. He goes two mornings a week, and he LOVED it! Yay! He happily ran off each morning, and he has slowly been telling me more about what he actually does at school. Yesterday they practiced making the letter "A" and painting with water colors. He likes going to the Bike Room the best, and they try to do that each morning. No wonder he is exhausted! He napped for three hours yesterday afternoon and then slept from 830-730 last night. Poor guy. Happy Mommy. :)

6. NFL season kicked off last night and I am thrilled to report that the Ravens LOST!!!! Woohoo!!! Now all the Steelers need to do is win their home opener and we're already a game ahead of the dirty birds! What a great way to start off the season...ahead of Baltimore. I love it. Thank you, Peyton Manning, for totally rocking it with 7 touchdowns last night. You, sir, are my new favorite person. I'll finish this quick take with: HERE WE GO STEELERS HERE WE GO!

7. The weather in Pittsburgh the past few days has been glorious. Totally starting to feel a bit like early Fall. I'm loving every second of it. I've had great hair days because the humidity is totally 0. Awesome. That being said, even though the temps drop into the 40's at night, I still have our window unit AC cranked on high. I love sleeping in the ice cold. It's better that way. Brian thinks I'm strange, so if you might think that, too, right about now, I can't say I blame you.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Five Favorites: NFP Edition

Last week I wrote a post about the cross of NFP. Well, if there's one thing I have learned in life, it's that most crosses come with a few blessings, even if we don't recognize them right away. So for this week's edition of Five Favorites, I decided to list my five favorite things about using NFP. And if it comes off like I'm selling it as a good, I am! NFP is actually GOOD for a marriage. (It's not like it's evil or I'm walking around like Eeyore all day because we use NFP.) Why shouldn't it be sold that way? So, here we go....

1. I know my body like the back of my own hand.

Through charting, I have learned a lot about my body. I know that the stabbing, blinding ten second headaches I get just mean my cycle is getting ready to reset, not that I have a brain tumor. I know that for the last part of my cycle I should never step foot near a scale because I retain 3-5 pounds of water weight. I know that waking up feeling like my lower back is going to fall off just means ovulation is coming in the next few days. I have a thyroid disease, and I can tell after one messed up chart that I need to go get blood work done, and it saves me from getting super, super sick. I know exactly why my body does every single thing that it does. And that makes me more aware of my health all around. I am convinced that if something major was wrong, I would know early enough to be able to treat whatever it may be. 

2. Brian and I talk about our family size at least once a week. 

What does that mean? Why is it important? Basically, we are in a constant dialogue about when is the best time to expand our family. It's not like we made the decision to wait months ago (or the day after Noah was born and wouldn't stop screaming) and have yet to revisit it. We are continually reevaluating our situation in order to determine when the next baby should come. These dialogues are so wonderful for both us. We are truly honest and open with each other and are very vulnerable. They are intimate and connect us in ways we wouldn't otherwise be connected. We take the call to "responsible parenthood" very seriously.

3. I pray a lot more.

Using NFP successfully takes a ton of prayer. Whether you are trying to conceive or postpone a baby, you can't do either without prayer. I take my concerns or thanksgivings about NFP to God every day in prayer. I constantly seek His guidance and feel I rely on Him even more during the times we are postponing our next baby.

4. I relive my wedding night and honeymoon each month.

All those days of waiting and abstaining come to an end at some point every month. That's pretty cool. Enough said.

5. Using NFP successfully has made Brian and me the perfect candidates to give the NFP Talk at Engaged Encounter Weekends.

Many couples who go on these weekends, unfortunately, have never heard of NFP. They have been told the pill is the way to go. Because we use NFP, and it is so near and dear to our hearts, we are able to go every few months and talk to the engaged couples about why they should use NFP in their marriage. We get to meet them where they are in life, and show them the beauty of way of NFP. Sometimes we convert a few, and sometimes none. But we have at least planted the seed that: 1. The Catholic Church does not mandate that you should have a dozen children, and 2. There is a legitimate way to plan a family that leaves you open to life and allows you unity with your spouse. I think this last one is my favorite of the five favorites. :)

Happy Charting!

Back to School

Today was Matthew's first day of preschool! What a big milestone. He did so well, too. I walked him into his classroom, and he hugged me and ran off to play. I was the first parent out of the classroom, and I was so proud of my little man. I don't know where the past three and a half years have gone, but they sure have gone quickly!

For our family, this is just the first year of many of Matthew leaving the house to attend school at a school. We may be devout Catholics, but we have chosen not to homeschool our children. (Okay, so after Obama was elected again and DOMA was overturned, I may have seriously considered it in a moment of complete panic, but then I came to my senses.) I want to preface this post by saying that the families we know in Pittsburgh who are homeschooling are doing a beautiful job. (My freshman year roommate from college even spent some time as a homeschooler, and she's one of the coolest and smartest people I know. Guess that's why she's Noah's Godmother!) They are examples of homeschooling done well. And I fault no one for choosing to homeschool. It's your right as a parent. (Just please use a curriculum. :)) Homeschooling has many benefits and can be great when done well. I don't argue that at all. But there's something to be said for sending  your child off into a school building, too. That, too, can have great benefits and blessings.

Here's the thing. I'm a teacher. So lots of times people look at our family and are a little surprised that we are not homeschooling our children. Let's forget the fact that I never, ever want to teach my own children beyond helping them with homework and helping them learn study skills. (Does that make me a bad mother? Probably. Oh, well. Judge away.) But here's the other thing. I am a teacher, and thus, I have a special place in my heart for the tradition of children in America going off to school on a daily basis. I think there's something to be said for sending your child off to school and you serving in a supporting role as the parent. I think someone else teaching our children is a good thing.

I get that schools (Catholic and public) are not perfect. They are not perfect little examples of living the faith on a daily basis. They are fallen. I can completely understand why for some families, dealing with those school failings involves the decision to homeschool. Sometimes it's the only way to make sure your child is getting a good, Christian upbringing. It makes sense to want to protect your children from the things in the world that aren't always the best example of Catholicism. But then the educator part of me kicks in.

I love the idea of public education. Yet, I see schools failing in America. I see students being failed by the school systems. And I just can't stand by and pull out of the system completely as a way to fix it. I feel to fix it, I need to be involved. And I so badly want to fix it. I need my opinions and voice to be heard. By pulling out of the school system, my voice will not be heard, and things will only get worse. Education can be fixed. Catholic schools can be fixed. But we as parents need to pull together with educators who care and fix them. We can't just keep pulling out and away. The whole system at that point is only doomed further. If all the good people pull out, what's left? I refuse to abandon a system that I believe can work and at one point, did work for this country. I refuse to believe that the way to fix it is by pulling out of it. I mean, parts of the Catholic Church are broken, and I didn't just decide to stop going and become a different religion. I chose to stay a part of it, and to try and fix it from within. That's just what makes sense to me.

At some point, it may prove impossible to fix anything by ourselves, and it may show us that it's better to keep our kids home and use a cyber school curriculum. But I'm not sure that will be the case. Only time will tell. I can't really see the above scenario happening, but I know getting involved with a school and having your voice heard is not always easy or even possible. You can speak up all you want and still be shut down. That can get frustrating, and I'm not sure I'll have much patience for that. Having our kids learn at home, however, would not be ideal for us.

As Brian and I continue on our journey as parents, I only pray that we can continue to make good educational decisions for our children. We are both products of public education and consider ourselves to be pretty faithful and educated Catholics. As we forge ahead, we hope and pray that our presence wherever our children attend school will have a positive influence and lead to changes in the education system.

Whether you homeschool or send your kids off, happy back to school! Prayers for everyone for a blessed and successful year!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

From our first Christmas "In Love"

Six years ago today, Brian and I said "I love you" to each other for the very first time. We had been dating for five days and had know each other 17 days. Some of you may be saying, "Wow. That was fast." I'm pretty sure it gave my parents heart attacks (and when Matthew announces that he and his girlfriend of a week have said those words to each other, I may have a total internal melt down), but for us, it was totally perfect. Part of it had to do with the fact that we met online. Those first six emails we exchanged were long and in depth and took hours to write. We learned a lot about each other right from the start. But we also spent our first two dates talking for hours and hours. We loved learning about each other and did it pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to fall totally in love with each other. And I can't even pinpoint the moment I realized I loved Brian. At some point, it just felt natural to think of him and feel "in love" all at the same time. Neither of us hesitated the first time we said those three little words either. There was no awkward pause. It just flowed naturally. That same night we both discussed marriage and decided at that point that that was where our relationship was ultimately headed. It was a night of revelations. And it's one we always look back at fondly.

All that being said, I had never said "I love you" to anyone outside of my family before Brian came along. At sixteen, I had discerned my vocation was to be a wife and mother, so I never wasted my time dating the guys at high school (pretty sure they weren't interested in the crazy Catholic girl either.) I had been interested in several guys in college and had gone on a handful of dates, but the relationships never progressed past "friendship" (some never even got to that level!). All of that also meant that I'd never waste those three precious words on anyone else. I wanted to say them to my future husband and to him only. They were words meant just for him and give them away to someone else would somehow cheapen their meaning in my mind.

I can't say what a HUGE blessing that has been for our relationship and marriage. I got to discover what love is and how it works with Brian. I had no one before him to discover that amazing adventure with, and because of that, Brian and I are even more bonded to each other than we would be otherwise. I didn't have a fear telling him I loved him because I knew I was meant to marry him and that meant that he'd never break my heart. I wasn't scared to put it all out on the line because having never done it before, I didn't even think that it may backfire at some point. My future spouse would never hurt me, and so I need not worry that the love I felt for him wouldn't be returned. It wasn't stressful or scary to say "I love you" the first time.

Having saved those words for Brian has also made him realize what an incredible he was getting to be the one to hear me say them for the first time. I remember how beautiful and innocent he found the whole scene. And how touched he was that he was the one God had chosen to hear those three precious words. He felt honored and took the job of protecting my heart and treating it delicately very serious right from the start.

To me, it made sense to save "I love you" for my future husband. First and foremost, I didn't want my future husband out there running around and telling some other girl that he loved her. So why would my future husband want me out there telling some other guy I loved him even if it wasn't really love? That thought just hurt my heart (and honestly, it was something I had to work hard to overcome in our relationship. Even Brian will say when he said those words before he never truly  knew what it meant to be in love until he met me, and that helps a bit.) I have never been one to believe that you can be "in love" multiple times throughout life. Love means sacrificing yourself for the good of your beloved. That kind of love is not found in teenage relationships. (Of course, there's always exceptions to the rule.) It's not found in the flirtatious college relationships where you wouldn't dare bring the other half of the relationship home to mom. Love is deep and intimate. You can't be deep and intimate with more than one person in a lifetime. Or at least I can't. God forbid something ever happen to Brian, I'm pretty sure I couldn't remarry simply because I'd always be in love with him. I'm pretty certain I could never love again. (And I get some people do remarry and love again, but for me, emotionally, it just wouldn't work.)

I can only hope and pray that I somehow pass on this idea and sentiment to our children. I'm not sure how to do that, and I'm not really sure how my parents passed on such an idea to me without me knowing they were doing it. I hope one day I get them to understand that words are powerful, especially love. Love means so much more than being giddy and happy and just attracted to another person. It means be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING to make the other person happy. Love doesn't contain the selfish idea of "I." It is all about someone else. I hope to teach them that love is what they see on the cross. And until they are willing to totally give their life for the other person, those three words have no business in their relationships with the opposite sex. Ultimately, though, I hope they can look at Brian and I and see how very much in love we are still are and think, "I want that." And realize that the only way to get "that" is to play their cards like we did. I pray they love their future spouses enough to save everything for them, including three of the most important and unfortunately, overused words in the English language.

To end, I love you, Brian. I have since six years ago, and I always will. Thank you for loving me like you do. :)